I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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