OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
