I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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