Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
