I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
