he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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