i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
