420 ftw
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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