Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
