So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
