Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
