just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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