I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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