well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
