After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
