So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
