I heard we made out
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
