The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
