I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
