the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I want to be your penis for a week.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
