I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
