apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
