I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
