I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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