She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
