wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
