Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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