If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
