Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
