oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
