Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
