Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
