If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
a search helicopter?!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Randomize
