I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
