if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
