she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
