I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
