I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
