Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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