So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
