you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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