i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
