I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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