We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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