Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
