matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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