mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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