Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
