Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
