i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
