I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
